(Originally posted on the About-Face Missions website)
I am not enough…
Not 6 months ago when I was walking through fires, not 6 weeks ago when we started serving 100’s of meals to hungry children, not 4 days ago when my “gut” said “she’s sick take her to the hospital” and not today or tomorrow or ever.
I am not enough…that goes completely against what the world tells us, yet for me it feels so safe. It feels so freeing, it feels like a light bulb moment so to speak, but mostly it is just absolutely freeing. There is a freedom in Christ that just can’t be explained and while I don’t completely get it, I’m learning. Often times I’m learning the hard way, because that’s how Stephanie “rolls”, but Jesus is so good to keep pulling me back and turning me to Him. Pulling me away from the world and to His Word. Pulling me away from unhealthy patterns and thoughts and back to His ways. Removing unhealthy people, ideas and reasonings and replacing them with His ways and His truth. The kind of freedom that says “ahhhhh” I don’t have to carry that pressure to do all and be all because Jesus has this.
Several weeks ago I was scrolling through Facebook during some downtime and I saw a t-shirt and it said “I am not enough”. I had to read it a couple of times to get it, thinking maybe I was missing part of it or something. Once I realized it actually said “I am not enough” it was extremely profound and that phase has been swirling around in my head since. Keeping me somewhat perplexed, yet not.
Missions is a crazy thing… it is beautifully messy, unbelievably emotional, pure joy, heartbreaking, incredibly moving, stressful, a huge blessing, full of growth and has a seemingly endless list of needs. It will stretch you thin, challenge your thoughts and fill you with love. But the truth is most days you go to bed with so much left undone. Missions changes you, challenges you and can make you feel weak. You can quickly start to feel the pressure of the many needs and feel that it is YOUR job to make sure those needs get met. I mean I know it isn’t MY job to meet the needs, but I’m the common link so it sometimes feels like if I don’t word/communicate/share in the right way then I will keep those needs from being met.
But I’m learning to live in what I already knew. I am not enough and I don’t have to carry that pressure because Jesus, He is enough. It isn’t about me, but Him. When people pat me on the back I often think “if you only knew…”. I am not enough, not enough to move to Kenya, not enough to stay in Kenya, not enough in my marriage, not enough to live out James 1:27, not enough to feed the hungry, not enough to run a truly Christian school, not enough to do any of the things that we do on a daily basis here. It is all because of Jesus and His enoughness!
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
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